it is rumored that it takes half as long as you have dated to get over your ex. So that would mean i still have a year and 5 months to go before I am officially over my last train wreck.
will it take that long, will it be sudden, will it be really over?
I was happy for the last month. or maybe just too busy. I thought i was over it...
I definitely had some resemblance of confidence back, I feel sexy in my own skin for once without worrying about judgement, I remember again that I deserve love, and that I am going to find the real thing...
but today under all my stress, my responsibilities, my obsessions, i broke down and cried. I was angry that i could not emotionally hold myself together and I wanted to phone him. Because only he really understood my insecurities; my darkest fears that I will not be able to make it through all my stress and gracefully execute all my projects.
But i didn't. I went to sleep. I ate a lot of green frosted cake and I am up at 2:48 still working on my essay.
I didn't call him. and i think i am a little proud of myself for being able to handle myself, by myself, for myself.
maybe this means I am moving on...because I want to, because I can, because I don't need him anymore.
But will the thought of his supportive arms still pop into my head at times of need...maybe for the next year and 5 months, maybe longer, maybe shorter....?
I am sure proud that I am for the first time in my life learning to be a support system for myself. I might never not want a man to be my support system but at least I know now that I don't have to have one. I can do it! I can do it! can I do it?
missing being loved, held and protected......at least for today......
