what i have learned so far....

So it is another all-nighter of essay writing and youtube and facebook surfing, but i feel that this night, this very moment is very different than all those moment before now, because I have grown, I have learned so much, I am wise, older, and hopefully stronger....

I have learned that I find inspiration in other passionate individuals. That when i have writer's block, I just have to look up my favorite creative souls like: Clara C, Kina Grannis, India Arie, Sarah Kay, and the amazing people I have meet over the past month....

I learned that these creative powerhouses help me find myself everyday and night...helps me keep struggling and not give up.

I learned that I am worth that struggle, that I can do it with inspiration, that I need it to live and sustain. I learned that I need to be around creative spirit and passion to invigorate myself. I learned that I am a sunflower growing in the sunlight...

water and sunlight, art and soul, life is a miraculous thing...just keep on living!

signing off with love, lots of love and heart!

getting over it

it is rumored that it takes half as long as you have dated to get over your ex. So that would mean i still have a year and 5 months to go before I am officially over my last train wreck.

will it take that long, will it be sudden, will it be really over?

I was happy for the last month. or maybe just too busy. I thought i was over it...

I definitely had some resemblance of confidence back, I feel sexy in my own skin for once without worrying about judgement, I remember again that I deserve love, and that I am going to find the real thing...

but today under all my stress, my responsibilities, my obsessions, i broke down and cried. I was angry that i could not emotionally hold myself together and I wanted to phone him. Because only he really understood my insecurities; my darkest fears that I will not be able to make it through all my stress and gracefully execute all my projects.

But i didn't. I went to sleep. I ate a lot of green frosted cake and I am up at 2:48 still working on my essay.

I didn't call him. and i think i am a little proud of myself for being able to handle myself, by myself, for myself.

maybe this means I am moving on...because I want to, because I can, because I don't need him anymore.

But will the thought of his supportive arms still pop into my head at times of need...maybe for the next year and 5 months, maybe longer, maybe shorter....?

I am sure proud that I am for the first time in my life learning to be a support system for myself. I might never not want a man to be my support system but at least I know now that I don't have to have one. I can do it! I can do it! can I do it?

missing being loved, held and protected......at least for today......

volatile

only moments ago i was numb to all feelings just doing, acting, performing and then i get a text from your friend. I come home to find an email for you. And I am in pain again. hurt so deep tears can't even make it to my eyes, noise unable to escape my open mouth, just frozen with my open wound aching.

why does it come back to haunt me? i want only to feel nothingness again. i don't want to remember the love and the lost,

 I can't take no more.

you have tore me apart, starting with my heart.... I am nothing but shreds left keeping busy. who will want me now. who will see me....who will hold me.....

friends miles away...

come take care of me because I am shreds that no longer make a whole. A piece of the heart has been stolen never to be replaced.

someone please hold me and tell me I am worth it, I am worth loving. real pure true love that comes without the side effects of hurt, violence or substances. That my love is more important than sex. That my love is addiction without jealousy. That my love can run wild with no restraints

that my love can encompass your world.